Red Green Show at the Tacoma Dome! I just got a postcard informing me that Red Green is bringing his one man show to The Pantages Theatre in Tacoma on July 18. You know it’s fancy because they spell it “Theatre” instead of “Theater”.

I’m kind of bummed because it’s on a Wednesday and I have a night job that would overlap a bit.

They put me on the mailing list because about a year ago, I bought some Red Green suspenders from redgreen.com so I wouldn’t have to stop mowing the lawn to hitch up my pants.

Unfortunately, the suspenders are of the type that hooks over a belt, rather than clipping to the top of your jeans. It chaffs my hide to combine a belt and suspenders.

I know what you are thinking, that I should use duct tape, but trust me, it’s not a good idea to use duct tape on any article of clothing. Just trust me on that.

TEF_BirdBarf So I opened my email this morning, and the very first one;

Should You Pre-Chew Your Child’s Food?

Apparently Alicia Silverstone has decided that the big mixers at Gerber aren’t good enough for her baby, so she chews the food herself, and spits it in the baby’s mouth. Like a mother bird. I kid you not. Is this even legal?

The article states that “Chewing your kid’s food is definitely cheaper than buying baby food, and it’s more time-efficient than making it in a blender or food processor.” Is Alicia Silverstone that broke and busy? I’m all for saving money, but I would go with the “Penny Smart” baby food instead.

Here’s what really worries me; I am fine with ladies who breastfeed in public, but what if this catches on and they start taking their babies to restaurants and doing this? At least it would keep them from yammering on their cellphones.

Here’s the article; the great Pre-chew debate

Celebrate bubble wrap appreciation day
DID YOU KNOW… The last Monday of January is “Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day”? I used to work with a guy who would get some bubble wrap out of the trash and lay it out by the wheels of my forklift. Not just any bubble wrap, the kind with the fat, LOUD bubble-chambers. When I got aboard and started to drive off, it would wake me up for sure. I always fell for it.

SIDE NOTE: I predict a spike in the use of bubble wrap in 2012 to correspond with the outrageous postal rate hike of January 2012.

Monkey Business Joke Shop of Lincoln City, Oregon
We are saddened to hear that the Monkey Business Joke Shop in Lincoln City, Oregon will be closing in a matter of weeks. I understand that they are having a pretty good closing sale, you would be well advised to take your Oregon Coast trip by the end of March, because nothing livens up a romantic cabin getaway like a remote-controlled fart machine.

We offer many of the items they have (or had) and will be acquiring their leftover stock, if you all don’t beat us to the punch. It would be nice if someone picked up where they left off and continued this fine tradition, but I can’t retire from my “real” job yet, and besides, I’m probably too arthritic to live near the sea. Anyone?

Twinkies will never die Just heard that Hostess is going into bankruptcy (for the second time in recent memory) Hopefully they won’t be liquidated this time. Of course, the products such as Wonder Bread, Twinkies, etc. are valuable assets, and surely would live on under new management, right? right? I don’t know why I care, I’m diabetic and can’t have any of that.

When I was a kid, I really thought “Twinkie the Kid” was about par with the Cheerios kid as pathetic mascot. I remain convinced that The Frito Bandito would win in a shootout with T-kid, sadly you can’t really kill him.

It says here that Arch West, the instigator of the snack food-like substance known as “Doritos”, has passed away. They actually plan to sprinkle Doritos into his open grave, which seems like a cheesy thing to do. I hope this doesn’t catch on, I don’t want to be buried on a bed of Whoopee Cushions.

I actually like Doritos, esp. Cool Ranch, but some people cannot tolerate their peculiar odor. I was snacking on some on a road trip with my brother, and he made me put them in the bed of the truck, where they called to me for the rest of the afternoon.

Newspaper editors think they are clever

"Bathroom relief is sought"

“Bathroom relief is sought” heheh. I know that editor was smirking.

I may never read newspaper comment threads again.

Here is a run of the mill story about a young lady who had contraband in her cooch1 (Can I say “cooch” here?) and then told the police it wasn’t hers. This occurs more often than one would think, maybe they belong to a boyfriend who is so addled with drugs as to think this is a secure hiding place?

But I digress. I read the comments mainly because I was struck2 by how very pleased with herself she seemed to be in her mugshot. This comment from “OuttaSpc” stopped me in my tracks;

At first I thought “you’ve got to be kidding me,” but I just checked my OWN private area and I found a nylon spatula, some Flintstone’s vitamins, a cordless drill, and a copy of the St. Pete Times from 19463.

What a mysterious world we live in. 😉

… Now how will anyone top that?


1 The story can be found at Bradenton.com. I found it via one of my favorite weird news websites, ObscureStore.com.

2 Didn’t know if I was “Stricken” or “Struck” so I had to Consult with WSU. I still don’t think it looks right. Maybe next time, I will be “flabbergasted”.

3 This violated the “Rule of Threes”, which just goes to show, rules are made to be broken.