I love jokes that I can tell as if they happened to me. The problem now is, whenever I start to relate ANY story, serious or not, my friends and coworkers will fold their arms and smirk…

Anyway, I enjoyed this one. Hope you will too; A guy is on an elevator and a blonde gets on. She smiles and says “T.G.I.F.”! He looks at her and says “S.H.I.T.” She shakes her head no, and says, “No, I said T.G.I.F.!!” He repeats, “S.H.I.T.” Now the blonde is frustrated, she says, “T.G.I.F. – It means, Thank God It’s Friday!” He replies, “I know what it means. S.H.I.T. means “Sorry Honey, It’s Thursday.”

It seems that this old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he works in his garden.

Neighbor asks, “Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?”

Ed replies, “Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… What’s the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…?

Neighbor says, “You mean, a rose?”

Ed replies, “Yeah, that’s it!…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor’s name?

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said to my friend… “That’s us in 10 years.” He said, “That’s a mirror, dip-shit!”

Don’t like this website? Consider the story of the old man, the boy, and the donkey.

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”

So they then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a perfectly good donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

-author unknown

This morning Daylight Savings Time began, or ended, or whatever; had to set the clocks back an hour. This reminds me of the Story of the Talking Clock:

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.

“That is the talking clock,” the man replied.

“How’s it work?” the friend asked.

“Watch,” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot! It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.”

Nine hands went up.

“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.

“Too much trouble,” came the reply.